Back to Marriage

Harmony in Marriage (Part 2)

MRG010001 @ Www.Salafipublications.Com
Guidelines for Considering Marriage and Happiness in
Marriage
Shaikh Muhammed al-Anhjaree
Transcribed for www.salafipublications.com by
Bint Ahmed ibn Sulaiman (28th Ramadan 1417 ­ 6th February 1997)
Important Note: The Shaikh's gave all references and quotes in Arabic but for the purpose of this
transcript only the meanings have been given in English for the Arabic you are advised to listen to
the tape.
The Talk
The Shaikh begins by Praising Allah (Subhanahu wa taala) and sending Salam upon the
Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam). The Best Speech is the Speech of Allah and the Best
guidance is the Guidance of Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) and the
worst of affairs are the innovations.
The Shaikh advised the gathering to observe Taqwa and Consciousness of Allah.
Today we have gathered, to explain an important matter for everyone who wishes to build
a marriage, a house of marriage, upon the way of the Salaf. Marriage which the Prophet
Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said; "Who ever has the ability to should marry."
Does this marriage have qualities and attributes by which it becomes, and makes the
house a good, safe secure house.Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) laid
down the way, so marriage becomes goodly, and leads to Jannah.
From the first of matters to make a marriage successful is that the house is a house of
Muslims, a house of Eemaan, and should be based on Deen. - choose the one who has
Deen. This is for both man and women.
Advice for the women:
"If his Deen and character please you then marry him."
Things that one can do to arrive at knowing this to bring about this first condition to be
fulfilled. The Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) laid down the questioning
by both sides about the Deen of the person for the marriage since one must be sure with
certainty about the Deen of the person about the man or the women and one must not
hurry into the matter. As is established from the Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi
wasallam) "to hurry into something is from Shaitan." So this requires questioning and
making sure.
Advise for the man:
From the side of the man he must make sure of the women's Deen.
Case point for women about the Deen and character of the man. For women it is not the
case that if he seems to have Deen, that any man can come along and from the outside he
looks good that you give the women for marriage, this is not the case. Then in the saying of
the Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) that when one comes to you for
marriage and his Deen and his trustworthiness or character pleases you then this includes
an indication.
This means asking about his trustworthiness. Except by asking, one cannot find this out
just by looking at him. So one must be sure, so if you have a sister or a daughter, the
women should seek from wali to make sure as she is your responsibility. So Shaikh says by
example if you have a sum of money you seek out the information about the one who
comes for a loan so what is the situation for the women who is going to give her life.
In General:
You must also find out :
a) What type of people he or she mixes with ?
b) How is he or she upon his Salat al fajr ?
c) Where did he or she study ?
d) Who does he or she deal with ?
e) How long has he or she been upon the Deen ?
The Shaikh says, everyone has a history, and this is not just a matter of one or two years
into the Deen, but one should study his life, how he was, what he did, and even if he fell
into sin and has made repentance - then this must be looked into.
This matter is a great matter, a time of a month of effort and investigation does not
compare to a lifetime. It is upon the wali to make sure of the affairs. This applies to the
man and to the women.
From the second condition - That one must make Istikhara, both must perform this.
Istikhara is performed after a matter, upon agreement of a matter. They must perform,
they must make sujood to ask Allah to guide them to the correct affairs. Have you not
heard that whoever has taqwa of Allah then Allah will give him a way out and he will
provide for him from where he will not imagine. So the Rizq (sustenance) from Taqwa is
good. The man and the women must ask Allah. If it is to be good than Allah will turn them.
This is what helps a marriage to be a successful marriage.
From the third matter - Both sides should bring parents to take part in this. One should
consult their parents. This is their right. Allah has ordered this since they educated and
cultivated you for many years. The Qur'an orders to be good to parents. So this seeking
their opinion and consulting them is from Ihsan - so try to get their pleasure so that the
baraka descends upon this marriage and descends upon this affair. As for the one who will
disobey his parents and has a wish for this women - then this is not befitting - do not
forget al-birr to parents and ihsan. Dua of parents is something great.
From the fourth condition - When one enters into this new life that life will change and
responsibilities will increase upon you more than before when you were single. One must
prepare oneself, the soul inside for this. In this affair you will have someone joined to you
as you did not before. Related to this is that one must study in respect to men the rights of
the wife and respect to women they should study the rights of the man. The opposite is
true to what expected the man should study the rights of the women and the women
should study the rights of the man. If this is not followed it can lead to spoiling matters if
one reads rights of women for women and the rights of man for the man as can find fault
in each other. If study the life of the Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) ,
and you see how he was with wives. You see there were differences with the wives and you
see how Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) was with Ayesha (radiallaahu
anha). As the Messenger (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said to her, "I know when you are
angry with me, when you are angry with me, you say By the Lord of Ibrahim and when you
are happy with me you say, By the Lord of Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam)".
Ayesha replied, "You have spoken the truth ."
This shows there were times when the women would get angry even in this blessed house.
If we learn each others rights then affairs will go well and there will be baraka in the
marriage.
From the fifth condition - Closeness and togetherness and bringing the hearts together
is something which is in the hands of Allah and is by the Power of Allah. As Allaah the
Most High said, "If you were to spend all that was in the earth, you could not bring them
together, but Allah will bring them together and unite them."
This was in respect to the companions - thus bringing about closeness is not bought about
by physical things like wealth, but it is from Allah. So the closeness between a man and a
women is bought about by the wish of Allah. But indeed the love and closeness is
something that must be achieved between the man and the women ­ the Shaikh says this
is from Allah. So what are the causes that bring about love and closeness.
a) Eemaan and Taqwaa
One must understand that there must be Eemaan and Taqwa, righteousness and fear of
Allah. For those who have Eemaan and Taqwa there is glad tidings in this life and the
hereafter and whoever turns away from the Zikr (remembrance of Allah) he will have a
constricted hard life. A narration is given from the Salaf, that when a man falls into sin he
sees it between him and his wife, that is in the differences that would occur between him
and his wife. Closeness, Eemaan and Taqwa is bought about by the Permission of Allah.
Your mind or intellect would not be able to imagine where Allah would provide. So if you
have a difference between yourself and your wife then give her rights and turn to Allah
asking Him.
b) One's Example
The example should be a Salafi example, it has to be practical. This is something that is
with Allah. The one who is following the Salafi example must give the rights to her, to
make it a blessed house, a house blessed by Allah. Everyday must have some time to recite
Qur'an, Tasbeeh and Tahleel and performing Istighfar (asking forgiveness) and this being
done at the time of the morning.
A house that is not blessed has no standing at night, no recitation of Qur'an, no
remembrance of Allah. When a women can see that a man is involved in this kind of
worship and can see with her own eyes that he does not fall into disobedience and when he
walks down the street he does not look at what is haram, [as Allaah the Most High said],
"say to the Believers to lower their gaze", If she sees these matters occurring, then her and
her children see this from the man then it is good. The same applies for a women in her
practice of Al-Islam.
As for when a man and he says he is Salafi and then does not do this and not involved in
backing up with action, then this is problematic - It is a great evil to "Say that which you
do not do." (Surah Saff). The man he must have time when he is lighted hearted with his
wife,playing with her and showing aspects of love to wife. As Prophet Muhammed
(sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) ate and drank from the same place as his wife. This showing
of love and closeness brings about closeness and love.
The Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) would even race with Ayesha
(radiallaahu anha) he would tell the companions to move on. This is the practice and
guidance of the Prophet of Allah. So you must do this. Not like nowadays people would
make fun out of such a way, but you must train yourself to like this - even if this is not your
personality, you must train yourself to become like this. We see how Prophet Muhammed
(Sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) race Ayesha (radiallaahu anha) one time and she beat him
and how another time he raced her and as she had put on more flesh he beat her.
We have to apply and put into practice, make the intention to put into practice now. This
is not a matter of story-telling. This is a matter from Al-Islam, from the texts. It is not
enough to hear about these things but it has to be put into practice. If we love Prophet
Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) then we should put into practice.
To men who are married you should do what is sought of you by Al-Islam and try and
make wife happy. Brothers are not married then use what has been mentioned to
investigate her Deen and character and go before Allah and ask to choose the best way.
All Praise be to Allah Lord of the Alaimin.
Question and Answers
1. Is there a situation where a man should not get married if he is single?
Answer. One who does not have the ability to marry it is not obligatory on him.
2. What is the situation for women who have grown old or divorced why do
they not then choose these women for their Deen.
Answer. The Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) married women who were
older, divorced and had children. Ayesha (radiallaahu anha) was the only one who was a
virgin. As for beauty it should be sought. The Prophet Muhammed (sallallaahu alaihi
wasallam) asked a Companion, "Have you seen her". He replied, "No". So the Prophet
(sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said, "Go back and see her" as this is conducive to marriage.
Also the word "beauty" is different to peopl,e beauty does not apply to one type of people,
only (i.e. beauty is a relative thing).
3. What if parents want you to marry some one not in the Deen?
Answer. You must accompany your parents in a goodly manner but where they ask you to
disobey Allah you do not obey them.
From SP