A guy I used to work with told me that back in the day when mobile/cell phones were extremely rare to have or own, he was travelling on a busy train to Watford. There was a businessman on board who was making sure that everyone on the carriage spotted his uniqueness in owning a mobile phone, by conducting a very loud conversation into his handset. The other passengers were a little miffed at this guy’s excessive volume and his brazen display of wealth and status, so they were looking away so as not to give him the pleasure of the stares that he so obviously craved.

Suddenly whilst in mid conversation, and with it still hard pressed to his ear, the phone started to ring. Much to the delight of his fellow passengers the man was instantly humbled by the exposure of his fraud and red-faced he answered the phone but this time with a more subdued and meek voice.

When I first got a mobile I remember one of my managers commenting after noticing that I had one, “I didn’t think you’d be the type of person to have a mobile?” He had two himself, so I can only assume that it was some kind of confusion between a bearded Muslim and the Amish. That facial hair somehow necessitates a rejection of technology, riding to work on the back of a goat and sleeping in a tree house.

However, I have successfully managed to grasp the concept of speaking to someone from a distance without the use of two yoghurt cartons and string. Indeed, mobiles have progressed far in their technology and for the most part I’m still able to use them.

I’ve even managed to work out how not to select a musical ring-tone, which I wish more Muslims would learn how to do. In case anyone is in doubt that it is prohibited to use musical ring-tones then please read this Islam Q-A link. It’s bad enough to hear them anytime of the day or night but during salāh it’s just torturous! A brother told me that back in the days when Ramadān overlapped with December he was praying tarawīh in the masjid when someone’s mobile phone went off to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’.

There are many ways to entertain oneself with a phone. I don’t know why I started this, and there must be a name for this practice somewhere, but I’m in the habit of scanning for other blue-tooth devices whilst travelling on a crowded train. Just out of a curiosity to see what people (or their phones) are called. I then rescan at each stop to try and work out who’s who on the basis of which names leave and join the train.

So for instance a Spanish sounding name may come back in the blue-tooth search, so I’ll look around and think maybe it’s the guy with the sombrero and then sure enough next stop he’ll get off and the name will disappear from the list.

I’ve noticed that people use a whole range of names for their phones, from expletives to a random collection of symbols, some even including both their fore and surnames (which personally I think is a little unsafe). Some just leave the phone’s description as the name, e.g. Nokia 6230i, so that any thieves in the area know exactly what pickings are about.

There is a guy (I assume) that I seem to regularly travel with when I’m on the school run, he’s named his phone (or self) “Poo”. I haven’t been able to work out who he is yet, I assume he’s masking his identity behind some form of strong deodorant.

The key to spotting a blue tooth inquisitor, such as myself, is that we stare at our phones intently and periodically glance up, and do the eagle-eye left-right eye motion - as patented by Action Man (UK) and G.I. Joe (US) - whilst we try to guess who we have found in the vicinity.

The natural next step for me was to find an interesting name for my own phone so that I could partake in the entertainment. After much deliberation I settled upon calling my phone “Fat Bald Guy – Say Hi”. Not that I’m having a pop at fat or bald gentlemen, the intention is to throw any other blue tooth inquisitors off the scent as to who I may be, this being an inaccurate description for myself.

I included the “Say Hi” bit in order to encourage more camaraderie amongst commuters. It’s my ambition that one day I’ll observe someone on a train look at their phone, smile, and then turn to the plump and follically challenged stranger next to them, say hi, and ask “Is this you?” as they show him the phone screen. Which I’d assume would naturally be followed by “You calling me fat?”

Always one to encourage safe mobile phone usage, I snapped this last week after jumu’ah. It reminded me of the Simpsons episode in which Bart is given a book to learn all about safe pocket-knife ownership. He opens the book which starts, “Don’t do what Donny Don’t does…” “They could have made this clearer,” he sighs. It goes on to list the 10 dos and 500 don’ts of knife safety.

So with that in mind here’s a “Donny Don’t” that I spotted demonstrating the 2003 UK legislation which made it illegal to use a hand-held mobile phone whilst driving. Who’s going to be the first one to tell him?