(A User’s Guide)

I remember walking along a corridor at work and seeing a member of the public up against the wall poised ready to urinate. “Oi! What are you doing?” He jumped and promptly returned the offending article, “Err … I, er … I need to, eh … I’ve got Diabetes and when I gotta go - I gotta go!” I felt sorry for him and pumped in my entry code to a secure door nearby and pointed him towards a staff toilet. He came back seconds later with a big grin of relief on his face and extended his hand saying thanks. I looked at his hand and reflected on how quick he’d just been, it was incomprehensible that he had taken the time to wash his hands; so keeping my hands by my side I replied “You’re welcome!”

The point being there are times when it’s better not to shake someone’s hand. Which leads us neatly on that cultural menace - the inter-gender handshake offer. As Muslims we are forbidden to shake hands with a person of the opposite sex who is not a close relative (i.e. a non-mahram).

`Ā’ishah said “By Allāh, his (the Messenger’s) hand never touched the hand of any woman when accepting their bay’ah (pledge of allegiance); he accepted their bay’ah by saying ‘I have accepted your bay’ah on this basis.’” (al-Bukhāri)

and;

It was narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yassār said: the Messenger of Allāh (Sallallāhu `alaihi wa sallam) said: “For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (al-Tabarāni)

Yet, living in the West it is often socially expected. Too often what we end up doing is just shaking hands anyway, out of some misplaced fear and social awkwardness. If we find this shortcoming in ourselves then it is something that needs to be addressed.

The best solution, which we all know yet can shy away from at times, is to speak up, be honest and firm. “I’m sorry but my religion does not permit me to shake hands with someone of the opposite sex who is not a close relative; so I hope you’ll kindly excuse me from shaking hands but I would like to say that I’m happy to meet you.” (Or something along those lines)

This is polite, maintains our Islāmic identity and often leaves a window open for further dialogue about Islām. People assume the strangest reasons for “not shaking” so it is worth giving an explanation. I’ve had someone come up to me and ask “So you don’t shake hands with women because they might be on their menstrual cycle?” No, not at all, Islām has outlined an etiquette for the interaction between the two sexes. From this is that it is forbidden to be in seclusion with someone of the opposite sex (again a non-mahram), known as khulwah; we also have a prohibition against physical contact (which would include handshaking). All of this helps maintain a respectful separation between the two genders and it closes doors to relationships developing outside of the institute of marriage. If you protect and preserve the family as a unit you invariably protect the society as a wider whole.

A common accusation is that “not shaking” implies sexual inequality. Take for example, this non-Muslim relating an experience where a job applicant phoned in advance to explain that he wouldn’t be able to shake hands with any females. “I had to marvel at how neatly this interviewee put the firm in the untenable position of having to choose between sex discrimination and religious discrimination.” However, it’s not a case of inequality, a Muslim female is equally required to decline a male handshake as a Muslim male is a female’s. It is merely a separation between the two not an assertion of one over the other. Islām seeks to separate between the two genders, this is obviously contrary to Western society which has an emphasis on mixing and often holds little import for practices such as marriage.

So like the interviewee did in the above example, when there is a chance of inter-gender handshaking coming up at a meeting it is often good to raise the issue in advance. Such as by phoning or emailing ahead and explaining that you can’t shake hands with a non-mahram for religious reasons.

Let’s face it what are the other options?

The lie, aside from the fact lying is prohibited in Islām, it often doesn’t work. A friend told me how at an interview the female interviewer concluded by offering him her hand. He opted for:

“Eh… I’d rather not, my hand is … dirty.”
“It’s ok, I don’t mind.”
“Err… no it’s, uh… really dirty.”
“That’s Okay! I don’t mind.”

This can spiral out of control, before you know it you’re claiming you have some rare infectious disease transferable by touch; by which time you’ve long talked yourself out of a job and likely caused a biological scare in the building. So this is certainly not an approach I’d recommend.

Already holding something. I tend to walk into unfamiliar settings with my right hand full (newspaper, jacket, etc.). It gives you a few more seconds to psyche up and explain yourself. Sometimes it is even enough to forgo the offer. They see a baby in my arms and concede that an attempt at shaking hands may result in a baby on the floor. This is, however, an unreliable method, as it won’t be long before you meet someone who will patiently wait, hand extended, as you put down your briefcase, take off your jacket, and remove the surfboard from under your arm.

Here’s my sleeve. Another incorrect solution that I noticed is the shake my sleeve/abāyah approach. That by slipping some material over your skin somehow handshaking suddenly isn’t perceived as touching. Bizarre logic but I’ve come across this style of thinking before. We all know that you can’t walk in front of someone who is praying. When people do want to pass in front, for example they are in a hurry to leave the masjid, they will often stick something like a chair in front of the person praying to act as a sutrah (screen); passing beyond that instead. I once watched as an elderly brother extended this “put something in front of them” principle; he put his own arm in front of a person praying to act as a sutrah. He carefully and purposely held his arm outright and then tiptoed in front of it in a bid to avoid walking directly in front of the person praying. * blink * Same logic, different scenario.

The elbow. A new one on me (and a cultural thing rather than a religious practice). I found it mentioned on this site “Many men, but especially older men, avoid touching a woman at all if she is not related to them, in that case they may offer an elbow.” An elbow?! I think the way to handle an offer of an elbow to shake, irrespective of whether it comes from the same or opposite sex, is to counter with a question: “Were you aware that it is physically impossible for a human being to lick their own elbow?” If they immediately attempt to refute you by demonstrating, it’s a good time to pull out your mobile/cell phone with image capturing capabilities (assuming you have one and hold the fiqh opinion that digital imagery is permissible). Then it’s just a matter of showing them the picture and pointing out that when they started trying to lick their elbow they only slightly increased how strange they looked. Hopefully they’ll think twice before offering someone their elbow in future.