I still find myself inclined towards certain British sensibilities (established social norms) and feel obliged to take exception and offence to someone who contravenes one. There’s only a small step from momentarily thinking to yourself “How rude!” or “Imbecile!” when spotting a social transgressor, to being overcome with a deep feeling of hatred towards a total stranger on the basis of them having unwittingly broken some unspoken rule.

A problem that often faces someone who follows such social mores is that amongst the confirmed British societal norms is: it is inappropriate to protest or comment (you’re allowed to mutter or scowl) when someone trespasses onto sacred moral ground. If someone breaks the “don’t comment” rule and points out that the other is in fact being rude to have acted as they did, it more often than not descends into a swearing match or a stereophonic chorus of “Have you got a problem?”

A simple example would be the principle of standing to the right on an escalator (this is an UK thing, I understand from Wikepedia other countries want you to stand on the left). It’s simple enough to understand; if you don’t want to walk down the escalator then you should stand to the right to allow the rest of us, who do, free passage down the left hand side. 

Being bound by the “It’s rude to tell someone they’re being rude” rule leaves a Brit in search of other means to quell their indignation. So when I step onto an escalator and find two Italian tourists standing side by side, chatting and blocking my descent, I invariably have to choose between the following options:

1) Stand silently behind them, with a face like fizz, in the hope that they’ll turn around and interpret my scowl as notification that I’d like to pass. If we reach the bottom without them noticing I can then feel vindicated in my initial suspicion that these people were in fact rude.

2) Do my heavy shoe approach: As I walk towards them on the escalator I start to slightly stomp my feet to alert them that I’m coming, or descend at a such a fast pace that when I make my drum roll like braking stop, they can tell that my flow has been curtailed. The weird thing about this approach is that it’s more often the guy on the right (the one who’s where he’s supposed to be) who’ll turn and pull or indicate to his friend (who’s “in the way”) that they’re standing on the wrong side and that Thumper here wants to pass.

3) The last resort, and only if I’m in a hurry, is to break the ‘don’t complain’ code and actually say “Excuse me.” Which although technically you haven’t articulated that you find their behaviour offensive you’ve come dangerously close to this and may hear them emit a little ‘uff’ sound to their companion as they let you by; which means “How rude was that guy wanting to pass?”

Another behaviour that I take exception to is the “My backpack – your face” scenario. You have a crowded environment, like passengers on a train or bus, and Mr. Mountaineering here seems oblivious to the fact that when he turns to the side to check out the route map on the ceiling his rucksack swings around and attempts to sand the skin from my face. Essentially the problem is that he doesn’t have any nerve endings in the exterior of his luggage and so doesn’t feel any sensation when it contacts with the numerous people behind him. What we really need is a way of hardwiring his backpack into his central nervous system, a kind of plug-in when he wears his gear. Then there could be some sort of enforcer team that patrols crowded environments looking for people who haven’t “plugged-in” and forcefully exchanging their luggage for pillows.

The other day I was travelling to work and watched as a man from the same carriage tried to get off the train. The doorway was only wide enough for one person to pass but there was someone on the platform that seemed to think it was much more important that he got on, than that this guy got off. So the man disembarking ended up barging the other guy out of the way just so that he could leave the train. The person who had been barged and his companion exchanged looks to the effect of “How rude was that guy just to have barged me?” Watching this I was incensed but managed not to audibly pronounce what I was thinking “No, he was right you were wrong, you forced his hand he had to barge you out of the way because you weren’t letting him off.” Isn’t it common sense that if someone leaves a space then more becomes free for you to occupy? It’s like an elevator/lift you need to let people out first; or a public telephone box, you don’t force your way in when you see them hang up the receiver and expect them to welcome sharing the box with you. What’s next, someone walks up to a sun bed and asks “Hey buddy, you nearly finished?” and climbs on top before he is able to reply?

A dilemma that I’m going through at the moment is the whole ‘taking my change’ business in a supermarket. Check out salespeople seem set on hurling your shopping at you at an exponentially faster rate than the average human can pack a bag (sometimes faster than you can even open one of those pesky little plastic bags). So inevitably they’ll turn to you, sullen faced and full of hatred for their job, to ask for the payment before you’ve finished stuffing your shopping into bags.

When the checkout person gives me my change or returns my card I suddenly feel a huge social pressure to move immediately. The checkout person picks up the first item of the next person’s shopping and then looks at me, as if to say “You still here?”

So do I pretend that I’m the only person in the world and meticulously put the coins into the coin section of my wallet, the notes into the note section and the cards into the card section, whilst the guy in the queue behind me is mentally severing my head and the checkout girl takes it as an opportunity to lean backwards and moan to her colleague about how she should have gone on her break an hour ago? Or, as I’m given my change do I crush the receipt, notes and coins into a big ball and stuff it in nearest pocket I can find, quickly pick up my bags and exit whilst apologising profusely for having taken so long?

The problem that I’m finding is that I normally go for option two but will suffer the consequences later. In general, I tend to be good at remembering to transfer my wallet when I change jacket or trousers but often forget to transfer other pocket contents. So it’s happened to me more than once that the next time I’ve been asked to pay for an item in a shop I get a sudden mental flashback of having randomly stuffed my means of payment into the pocket of a jacket that I’m no longer wearing.

A masjid phenomenon that I personally would like to see occur less frequently is the “I’m going to make my Sunnah salāh wherever I am” approach. You know the scenario, you’ve just finished making salāh al- jumu’ah and you’ve barely stood up to leave and someone has decided that the best to make his Sunnah salāh is in front of the exit, in the corridor, or even worse on the stairs. I’m not taking issue with the person that has arrived late for the salāh and having only caught the second raka’h is now making up the first one, I feel no pain in waiting for him. But when a person comes to the conclusion that the best spot to pray a Sunnah salāh is somewhere that’ll leave a queue of people waiting for him to finish, the question repeatedly comes to mind “Could you not have moved a little and prayed somewhere less imposing?” You can actually see the earnest on some people’s faces as they race for the door in the hope that they can reach it before someone between them and the exit decides they need to pray their Sunnah where they are. 

At times it’s almost like a competition to see who can start their Sunnah first judging by the speed at which some people stand after the fard salāh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally in favour of someone making extra salāh (although there’s a strong case for it to be made in their homes rather than the masjid). But at times I just wonder how many people have come across the hadīth below based on the average time between the taslīm of jumu’ah and the opening takbīr of a Sunnah prayer in many of the masjids I’ve been to.

`Umar bin `Ata reported that Nafi` bin Jubair sent him to Sa’ib bin Ukht Namir to ask him about something that Mu`awiyah had seen him doing in salāh (prayer). He said: “Yes, I performed the Friday prayer along with him in the enclosure (Maqsurah), and when the imām concluded the salāh with taslīm, I stood up in my place and performed the Sunnah prayer. When Mu`awiyah went home, he sent for me (and when I came) he said: “Never do again what you have done. When you have observed the Friday prayer, you must not start another Sunnah prayer till you have spoken to some one or have shifted your place; because the Messenger of Allah (sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam) ordered us not to follow up the congregational salāh with any other salāh until we have talked (to someone) or moved from the place.” (Muslim )

You only have to look a masjid that is making a salāh al-janāzah after jumu’ah and you’ll see lots of little pockets within the lines, of people who began performing their sunnah before the imām was even able to announce that they’re about to make have a janāzah.

The picture that comes to mind is of those pop-up sucker toys you get in crackers or in cheap toy vending machines outside of shops (the bane of any parent along with those cheesy rocking trains/planes/cars). You lick the sucker and squash it onto the base, give it thirty seconds or so and ‘pop’ it springs into action. The imām has barely finished the taslīm and suddenly there’s pop, pop, pop around the masjid as you get people immediately standing to start their Sunnah irrespective of where they are; then exits are blocked, access to shoes is reduced and you have people resorting to Spiderman wall climbing techniques just to get out. 

*sigh* I guess all I’m asking for is a little consideration folks!